Its getting to that time of the year again, and I need to find a slamming latke recipe to impress the pants off my boyfriend who's never had a latke before. In fact, he's kind of adopting a new set of holidays by taking me but he seems really cool about it. So I can't wait to light the Hannukiah Friday night with him and we're taking an extended weekend....

short update, but I'm hyper and need to leave work!

w00t w00t

So I think yesterday was officially the day from hell. You know those days where it seems like nothing around you goes right? That was yesterday.

It starts in the morning where I've been extra tired no matter how much sleep I get. I think its another in a long line of funks. There might be some resonating depression issues, however mild they may be. But I know I'm tired a lot. And yesterday was no different. So I got up late ran around like crazy and somehow made it to work only a couple minutes late. Went through work until 2 where I was leaving to go to a job interview. Those are always the great stories.... I was *supposed* to go to this interview....

I left even earlier than 2, because Mac wanted me to check on his new kitten to make sure she was alright. There were people in his house because they were fixing the flooring in the bedroom and the cat went into hiding. So I get home first and my suit pants are missing. Yes literally missing. No idea where they went, not even in the dirty clothes, I checked! So I improvised and ran over to Mac's to check on the cat. The door was locked. Normally the door to his building is open during the day. But chances are, if the door to the building was locked the people working on his place locked his front door too. So I called to Oreo in the window, but apparently she was still in hiding.

I get on the highway, and the drive wasn't bad and I didn't get too lost. I did however get on Roosevelt Blvd and needed to make a left hand turn... Which is virtually impossible on Roosevelt Blvd. I turned onto this little street because there was a light and I figured maybe it would help me get across. So I turned onto this street and was about to turn (Uturn, into a parking lot, whatever) and the car behind me decided I was parking which was NOT allowed where we were (we were only 50 yds in!!) and went around me as I was making the turn. BACK of her vehicle went into the front left of mine and pretty much broke my wheel! LOVELY! And she was in the wrong for going around me. The insurance company even asked me this morning, was there enough room that she could go around me without going over the lines, and the answer was a resounding NO.

So my car gets towed to this body shop who then proceeds to tell me that due to previous damage, my car might be totalled. So as if I wasn't having a shitty enough of a time, I get the danger of LOSING my car now. Thankfully I have 2 wonderful friends who talked me down and calmed me down. And one actually went to pick me up at the crash site and the other came over later. It was just.... crazy. And i was really sad leaving her there, I've determined I'm naming my car after she comes home.

So anyways, my friend E drives me home and she runs in to use the bathroom and had just got in her car and we hear this awful screeching noise. There was a green van that was having problems. Well next thing you know, the car jumps the curb, mows down a handicapped parking sign and goes into the side of a brick house. Luckily I think the brick helped the car stop or else it would have been in their living room or even kitchen. It wasn't my house luckily, but daaaaaaamn. The whole neighbourhood was there in a second. and The owner of the green van (who was NOT driving the vehicle or was even in it) comes over and tells everyone to fuck off and mind their own fucking business. Some of the older men were cursing her under their breath as they walked away "we'll mind our own fucking business the next time she needs help." She came back but the van was gone.

So later Mac comes over and we watch tv and I'm going to leave out the details here until I fully understand what happened. We talked, ate dinner, and watched tv. Well anyways, he was parked on my pavement and he did it rather harshly too. I'm going to have to learn him up on parking on my pavement because I have a little ramp thing that goes from sidewalk to street and if he got his front left tire onto the ramp, he wouldn't have got the flat that he did. So yes at 10:30 when he has to get up at 6 in the morning he gets a flat tire. Drives it over to 4th and Oregon and has to leave it there till the morning and THEN walk home. He didn't get in till like 11:30, plus his phone died on the walk home.

I feel like I'm the bringer of doom. Although today I did get some good news. After talking to the other lady's insurance he said that he feels they were at majority if not full fault for the accident. So it sounds like they will be writing a check to my insurance company and even covering my deductible (THANK G_D) because I can't exactly afford my deductible. My car isn't going to be totalled and I get a rental car covered by insurance for over 2 weeks. Plus the shop where I took my car, rather where it was taken, is actually giving me a discount on my deductible anyways if I do have to pay out of pocket. So its not terrible, but my insurance is surely going to go up. And that really sucks. Plus the guy said he was going to try to buff out this horrible red line on the side of my vehicle.

I still think I'm the bringer of doom. Only think is I'm anticipating the neck to get sore and the back to get worse before it gets better. Everyone keeps telling me I should have gotten checked out but if the pain and whatnots going to show up a couple days later then getting checked out does me no good. Oh well....

yargh. now I just want to go back to bed.

Okay. So my company got bought over and the company who bought us sucks. They took away our facebook access and for that there should a steep penalty brought upon them.

that is all.

oh, and they will not win.

So my friend and I have been getting really close. We talk all the time.... literally ALL the time. Whether it be him calling me on his break or me calling him before bed. Literally today we spent a goooood number of hours on the phone. And we have this interesting relationship. It all started with a breakup too. He started as my ex's friend. Not best friend, but friend. They were friends a good number of years... a large number of years actually. But when the break up happened and knowing how it happened and before the breakup we started becoming friends behind the ex's back. That was only because any contact with another person, especially of the male variety (which by the way is about 90% of my friends) would upset him completely. And actually everytime me and this ex had a fight he was there somewhere making sure I was alright and not getting hurt, etc, etc. Yeah the ex was a REAL dick.

So in a way he joined the dark side, I guess, as my friend. And we go out EVERY weekend. We talk like I said constantly. Actually the day the breakup was official (and it was lingering) he took me out and I had probably one of my best nights in a long long time. Best nights since I moved to philly. And I mean, we even go to the karaoke events and everything. And he looks out for me and takes care of me. Sometimes, I yell at him to relax. And if someone does me wrong, he's a shoulder to cry on. Literally, this last Friday a high school friend of mine had a date with me and due to circumstances couldn't contact me and I literally thought I was stood up. Of course this is the night that Erika and me dropped off his baby, Oreo -- a beautiful tuxedo kitten. And he hugged me and took me out. When i was almost in tears, his only words were "come here" but actions speak louder than words. And he made sure i wasn't crying, because up until then I was about to break out in tears.

So what causes me to write this? I've known that he had a thing a for me, its just something you can tell. And everyone kept telling me how cute we were together and I keep fighting everyone off. WE'RE NOT DATING! Literally, one of our friends will constantly call me his girlfriend IN FRONT OF HIM and he just does it to get me riled up anyways.... But! Well Friday night, he took me out even though he had work the next day. And he made work. Meanwhile I made up with Shane, the little jackass that he is. He called me frantically he couldn't find his cat. I had just woken up from a nap so I wasn't *exactly* speaking english. I literally jumped into my car and rushed over as fast as I could to find the cat IN, note LITERALLY IN, the couch while the couch was turned upside down. Not really a part of our story but kind of. Once we got the cat out, and the couches back to normal I laid on his couch and started to doze off. His big thing is making sure I feel comfortable in his house. Kept offering me a pillow which I kept declining. Again with the taking care of me... oy!

So we went to this party at his club that night. I got my first tattoo, which I love. Its a treble clef with green vines on my back shoulder. I understand the jewish point of view on non tattoos, but this was actually personal for me because music is everything to me. Its life! But meanwhile, we were all drinking (and no I didn't get the tattoo drunk and I had planned for it anyways) and having a good time. Apparently his brother of whom I also know told him "look she's your date watch out for XXX" who is also a good friend of ours. He told me about it, why I don't know. I guess we're trying to affirm what we are to each other. Mac offered his apartment for me to sleep in, innocently. Trust me, if you knew him you'd know. So I left the party at 3:30 AM and walked over to his place and got the kitten out from INSIDE the couch again and fell asleep. Woke up to the door bell which freaked me out because I had no idea what it was, I was sleeping.

He comes in and i move my legs so he can sit with me. We ended up cuddling which was fantastic. And he kept kissing my head every now and then. And then at one point he kissed my cheek and then kissed closer and closer to mouth obviously going for the kill. Meanwhile, when I went in I was sleeping in one of his tshirts because I wasn't exactly planning to spend the night there. But he went to kiss me and I almost kissed him back. And then I realized that maybe this isn't the best idea in the world. And then we laid there till I kicked him off his couch to get the blow up mattress (which is another story). In the morning we talked, not about the kiss or the events of the night. He went out to get us gatorades and he got me a bagel. I didn't ask for the bagel, but he said I'm getting you a bagel and I said ok. I love bagels. They're yummy. Well my two favourite breakfast items are bagels and then oatmeal. the hangover breakfast is bagel,cream cheese and fried egg. sounds gross, but is actually quite tasty.... anyways

At one point I'm laying on the couch falling back asleep he goes to get a shower. He gets dressed and all (yes very exciting I know) and actually I'm nodding off as he sneezes. He comes out from around the corner and as tired as i was, only getting like 3 hours sleep, I kept fighting that I have to get up and leave and run errands and he says just take a nap! and actually pulls the covers over me. And he leaves and thats where the story ends. Oh and he gives me the shirt I was sleeping in! Which I've slept in everynight since.

I look back and the fear I have is about hurting him and ruining what we have. AND THE BEST PART, he doesn't remember trying to kiss me and I didn't exactly bring up that I turned away. And its stupid. I know I'm right about not ruining what I have with him, because its perfect. Its actually 100% perfect (without his snoring, so 95% perfect). Its like we're a couple without the complications sometimes. And the real thing is that he's older. That's the snag honestly. If he were younger, it'd be another story. If he were younger maybe he wouldn't be as sweet. My friend Erika met him and instantly fell in love with him, and keeps telling me to put the age factor aside. And just go for it. But like everything in life its more than just go for it. Its.... if I lost him, I don't know what'd I do.

And this real thing is how do I forget the almost - kiss. It wasn't terrible until I came to my senses, lol. I wasn't drunk, wish I could say the same for Mac. ugh. Just needed to get this out. I know i'm making something out of nothing , but I can't forget it because its him. Ugh. I'll try and forget but its not working out too well for me at the moment.

Time for sleep

okay so anyone who knows facebook.... I am having an issue where whenever I sign on it says:

Account Unavailable
Your account is temporarily unavailable due to site maintenance. It should be available again within a few hours. We apologize for the inconvenience

But all my coworkers are on around me and I haven't been able to go on since last night...

I don't know what to do, but its driving me crazy and the FB help center is just.... a pain in the ass. And its not just this machine, because I tried last night on my home laptop, here on my work laptop, then on my friends laptop who is active on there TODAY.... and nothing. nothing at all. This is really frustrating....

anyone who can help.... please!

Okay. I'm posting to avoid packing for the moment. I am going to dad's for about a week which is awesome. But I just dropped my cat off at my friend's house and its just a little lonely. Actually my apartment hasn't felt this lonely in a long time. Its a really strange feeling. Its only a week I'm going to be without her, but wow. Knowing she's not here is just wow....

It'll be great to get away for awhile. Since breaking up with my ex its felt weird living here. Not here as in my apartment. My apartment was always mine! It feels really weird living in philly. So I made a decision I'm going to try to find a house share in Delaware and since I'm losing my job try to find work there. I did my stint in philly, and its not a bad place. I'm just home sick. Its bad enough I don't have any family in the area, it would be nice to live somewhere I have the chance to run into someone I know. I do that once in a while in philly where I work. Not where I live!

And then there's also I went out with a friend of mine from high school. I mean, I'm shy around people and I thought that he and me would be different people. But hanging out with him just made me realize a lot of what I'm missing as well. I was happy.... the happiest I've been in a long time. And the weirdest was that I never felt uncomfortable around him. In fact, I spent the night and he was the first person I was able to sleep around since Jason! I mean yes we drank so falling asleep at first was easy. But then I woke up and I always have problems going back to sleep. He put his arm around me and I went straight back to sleep, I was just so happy. Hell he asked me to stay around while he was at work and like an idiot I jumped and said OOOOH i have a car appointment (which I did). I would have loved to to be honest.

And we decided we'd do it again. Which is awesome to be honest. I even have an excuse, which is to "pick up my pillow" since I accidentally left it there. Its not really an excuse we had already decided that we'd do it again. But now I'm back to my self conscious self and reading into everything more than I need to. Was it a date? is he going to date other people now.... i mean I'm not his girlfriend so it doesn't make a difference. I don't want to be a one night stand because to be honest it would break my heart because of all the people I wouldn't think that he's the one who would do that. but you can't trust everyone so here I am.... I think I'll see him next week. And the funny part is I'm so lame about going out during the week.... now I actually want to... just can't stay out till 4.

So there we go.... i guess i need to get back to packing.... shit. not looking forward to this.

Oh and facebook is completely fucking up for me too.... pissing me the fuck off....

Note to self:

Do not fall for someone after an amazing night.... Do not! Do not build up the hope that he'll call! Do not! Even after you mention that you'd hang out again! Do not! Do not let past feelings for him cloud your judgement of today! Do not! and most of all.... STOP OVERTHINKING! and one more thing.... stop listening to Carole King!!!!

Okay done yelling at myself... doesn't feel like it did any good...

Anyone want the details send me a message....

Things aren't getting any worse which is a plus. Well they aren't getting worse until the next time I run into my ex. I mean just seeing him, I just got extremely upset and panicky and it wasn't a good feeling at all. Plus his friend was walking me home, and he jumps to conclusions. I don't want him to think I broke up with him for this guy. He's like a big brother (explained below)! I know where he was coming from and I'm sure he knows where I was coming from. And neither matters really. I know I did what I had to do and for that reason I can't regret it. But I miss him like crazy. And again don't get the idea that I want to go running back into those controlling, jealous, drunk arms! I just miss the presence around the house, if that makes sense. I'll see something that reminds me of him and I'll be upset for a couple minutes and then go back to normal. I mean I was with him for almost a year.

Work is alright. I have a job until December. I almost had an awesome interview at a law firm that could have become something else, but they only wanted to interview persons 1 and 2, and I was person 3. And then to make things just wonderful our pain in the ass boss that I didn't like was kind of told to leave quietly in the next few weeks... We all know why.... But her replacement is worse than her. To make matters worse, I work in a call center environment, and the leader here who has a high enough level, that we all like and get along with, was stepped over in name of someone else. And that someone else is a tattle tale and a snitch and its just not good. Not good at all.

I'm a little strapped for cash right now, but I have to remind myself to stop stress shopping (and I don't even do that all too much, I got a couple guitar tab books). I'm dealing with being fresh meat at a bar and not really caring too much for it. In fact Saturday i was so depressed I was just drinking and drinking, I was trashed. And then Sunday night I ended up in my normal bar with normal friends and people I recognize so it was a little bit better.

I have a friend I have to keep telling is just a friend, to the point I've labelled him a big brother so that he doesn't get any ideas about incest. EWWW. Plus there's a friend of his that I like and have liked for a while now. I'm not going to do anything stupid although something stupid almost happened once, but just once. I'll tell you that it was a damn fine kiss though. I want to make sure I'm completely over my ex before I start to make those kind of mistakes. And with this friend, I don't even know.

There's a base attraction between us and there's definitely a little passion. And there's a strong friendship. And at least this guy is 10 years older, he doesn't live in Philly, he's in NJ in a GORGEOUS top floor condo. Holy shit his house is just beautiful. I don't actually think anything else will happen between us, and if it does it'll be long down the road. Although the night I actually broke up with Robbie he volunteered himself to come over except I fell asleep on the couch!

So as I understand life looks up. I might start going back to services this weekend, providing I can muster up some tokens to get up there. And we'll see what this weekend will bring and if I run into Robbie again. And we'll see if everything works out or if I'm horribly depressed again this Monday!

This is Mork signing out! Nanu nanu!

I've got so many things running through my head that I am just confused.

One minute I miss Robbie, the next I hate him. One minute I don't care about this guy friend and then the next I obsess over what he thinks of me.... I'm lonely, still trying to get into that rhythm. I need to disappear but to where.... i dunno. and then I have one friend who harps about me, but i keep letting him know.... JUST FRIENDS....

I can't even explain all of the feelings right now. I just want to get away and hide and start over. But I don't want to move, unless its to NYC or europe and frankly europe sounds better every day....

i hope something starts making sense soon.... I don't feel myself, I feel emotional -- erratic. I know its going to take time to get back to a normal rhythm..... but what is the normal rhythm? i am unfortunately one of those people that don't do well alone. But I'm going stay alone this time. My brain and my heart are fighting each other....

Well it's officially over and I'm back on the single train. Went out with friends friday night and sunday night to celebrate. It was good times. I haven't had that much fun in a while. Oh I remembered that I love to go dancing and all that shtuff.

I'm still having issues with the ex, but at least thats all he is now.

He made some remarks, that really cut to the bone and then asked me to not to let anyone in my apartment. Because apparently letting people in my apartment means I'm going to screw them!! I do not think that is the case! But he mentioned that he's going to be upstairs with Johnny a lot (Johnny lives a floor above me) and that he doesn't want to see me. And that I shouldn't talk to him and blah blah blah. A whole bunch of BS.

I have paranoia now about my friends walking me home from the local bars, because he said something stupid about something. I wasn't really listening at that point.

I feel bad because it seems that his childhood friend defected to my side and has no remorse over it. But if Robbie is going to act like a child, let him. He doesn't want any of his people associating with me. Luckily one of my friends Mike who I MET through robbie was never friends with robbie. So he's allowed to called me (well Robbie of course didn't say that, but thats what we're saying.... as if we're really listening to him anyways).

I just feel like I'm complicating some things for some people. But whatever.... I'm happy, and thats what matters, right? I'm not looking for a relationship, I'm not looking for sex either. At this point, what happens happens and its ALLOWED to happen.

so Free at last, free at last!

This has been a tough time lately. I don't know where to start.

I'll start with the latest.... I guess.

I was seeing this guy for about 10 months, almost 11, and I'm in the process of breaking up with him. Well more like the damage is done and the bandaid needs to get pulled off. And its funny because it depresses me incredibly because I really care about him but I know that we don't belong together. And there were a variety of other reasons too. Like his drinking and his mood changes, and his extreme jealousy to the point that my college friend couldn't even text me because my friend is a him. Or that he never needed his own time. He never understood my wish for space. He never really respected me as a person, but more as a woman in the kitchen. He always had a problem that I made more than him (but considering that he didn't work...). He didn't listen to me when I talked, which I realize is a male issue.

The straw that broke the camel's back so to speak was when he got drunk at his friends house when he said he would be at my house at 7 for like the 3rd week in a row. He didn't call me till 9 to tell me he was coming over and I told him don't. Go home and sleep it off, I don't want you coming over. So he hangs up on me and shows up at my house. He had a key to my house so I sat there pushing the door closed and opened it and pushed me accidentally into the wall (well it was because I was behind the door, so when he pushed the door he pushed me). And he wouldn't leave my house saying he lived there on the weekends and I kept correcting him that he *stayed* there on the weekends. And then I took the key away and I was heavily crying when I took it off his keyring. And I told him that I was done, that if you couldn't even respect my wishes for one night, thats it....

And he begged... And after he camped out on my floor because he said he wasn't going to leave, I finally got him to leave. The next day he called my house and I ignored the first call. The second call I mistakenly picked up and he came over and we talked and cried. And he begged. And I got upset. I'm not good with hurting other people, I tend to put them before myself and will do anything to make them feel better. But I couldn't. And then we made love for the last time.... And then he left. And somehow he ended up there Sunday and spent the night.

We left it as we are on a break, not really together anymore. Its an intermission and there's a chance we'll get back together. But I don't think there is. I already made the mistake of calling him yesterday for his birthday. And then that turned into something big. And I cried and got upset. I just don't know how to pull off the band-aid. He doesn't even understand the idea of space, he said "I haven't seen you in 3 days its killing me and you didn't even call yesterday." Of COURSE I didn't call, this call was a mistake....

And then the confusing part is that I've made friends with Robbie's friends without him knowing. One guy told me that no matter what happens with bobby, I've been adopted into their group. And I just got a message from one of his friends last night saying that he hopes that we can still be friends regardless of him. And heres the kicker: if Robbie finds out that any of them talk to me he'll disown them. And he doesn't realize how childish and immature it is, he already said if we completely break up he won't go to my up-stair neighbours apartment because its too close to mine.... And then I got blamed for going in between friends! I live there, what do you want me to do? I'm not moving. I like my apartment.

This is beyond the point that I have a lot of crap going on right now. I just got a kitten, I'm heavily job hunting for something closer to Philadelphia than Horsham, PA. There's just too much going on to deal with that BS. Not too mention I've been talking with a few friends. Yes, there is someone I like, but no, nothing is going to come of it beyond a few provocative conversations.

I want to go out with "my" friends this weekend, but don't know how to get around the Robbie barrier. I don't want to see him this weekend at all. AT ALL. I want to go out and sing karaoke at Stonehouse (if its that weekend) or just go to the stonehouse, but its around the corner from Robbie's house. Good thing he doesn't like that bar.

Oy vey..... This sucks, I feel so stuck....

I am especially excited to share that tomorrow I am (most likely) picking up the newest addition to my little apartment....

Her name is Tabitha and she's a beautiful 3 month old kitten!!!

YAYAYAYAYAY!!!

I am sooooo excited right now, we already bought her supplies at home, at least starting supplies and a few toys.

Have I mentioned I can't wait?

I think I need a new start somewhere. I feel like I'm drowning in my own life. My mom wants me to go to Florida with them, but thats just a no. Some people will understand about that.

Job isn't going so good as of June 1 we find out how long we have till we're laid off. I'm barely making the bills now, unemployment is just going to make me go for broke.... And then I'm worried I won't be able to afford my apartment on my own and that I'll be essentially homeless.... again. And the stress of it is eating me alive. I couldn't sleep last night because I was worried.

I'm just.... blah.

And I'm starting to feel myself want to sink into my old habits like playing video games and lock myself in my house and etc etc etc.

And I can't find a job, in this shitty market. I have an interview on wednesday for some kind of sales and marketing job, but I somehow find its not going to be a good match for me. I'm not a salesman, I'm just not. I'm a techie.

And then the realization that I have few friends because my boyfriend is a jerkoff and he himself is having mood swings due to an injury.... which then makes me want to scream.... This has just not been the best month and somehow I doubt next month will be too good either....

I'm in a bridget jones diary kind of mood. At least I'll work out today after work to get rid of some of the stress.... but beyond that I dont' know what to do....

I just want to say this to get it out of my system.... I miss my ex and he's been on my mind a lot lately... And I go through periods of mixed feelings, some days I hate him, some days i don't know....

Somedays I think if things and reactions were different, then we'd be somewhere completely different. And i know that we were not compatible in a way that we could spend eternity together. I was thinking that if we talked through our issues instead of him packing up my stuff and then calling me to tell me I was kicked out and the wedding was off while I was on my way to pick up my car in the city....

If he hadn't packed up my stuff, we might have been able to work through things for a little bit but we would have ultimately ended up the same way I think....

Anyways the whole point is that I miss him sometimes. I read his lj a lot, which he doesn't and won't know unless he reads this.

The funny part was that in one of his posts he talked about looking for a fresh city, either boston or the west coast.... Just the week before I started looking for things in NYC, Boston or San Francisco....

I want the chance to apologize which I never did. I was to hurt by what he did to me and even then I still talked to him a little.

And then the other part is realizing that I did have it great and as much as I hate to say it, I was in love with him and I miss the feelings that came from that relationship. I miss wanting to go to sleep and wanting to wake up with the same person (which now I try to fall asleep with the guy I'm seeing and then wake up and feel very indifferent toward his presence).

I guess this post is a little self indulgent....

I just miss it all....

I don't normally post about this kind of stuff, well yes I do but I haven't been posting lately.

I have the hugest work crush on this guy and I've had it for 2 years now, I've finally gotten up the courage to talk to him.... once every couple months.

He's Irish (from Dublin actually) with the most gorgeous accent, tall, very thin with this gorgeous light brown hair. We both sing/play with the work choir during the holidays which is how I met him. He plays guitar while I play the clarinet. Apparently while I play, my friend says he always watches me with amazement or something in his eyes.... yeah I think my friend is on something, but whatever. I ran into him at the bar behind work once, but he had a girlfriend. Now that was almost a year ago....

I'm just internally freaking out so don't mind me.... It took a lot of courage to send him an "IM" at work today (we use a chat client at work called Sametime).

Our company is on the skirts right now, as next wednesday we'll all be DOW employees instead of Rohm and haas.....

oy........

Hag Purim Sameach!!

Have I mentioned I love the shul I'm going to??

I've been going on and off to Friday evening services and went to the Purim service. The community is very kind and welcoming. I signed up for the 20s and 30s events list. The cantor invited me out for a drink with her and her friends, but like a fool I told Robbie I would be home at a certain time.

I went tonight as a corporate cat, complete with tail, feather boa and cat mask. I forgot to take the tail off when I was walking home. Okay, more tomorrow!

YAYAYAYAYAYAYY!!!!

Strangely, I woke up today completely dissatisfied with everything which may have something to do with this mystery illness and the medicine i'm on to cure it. (i have some sort of nasty Upper Respiratory Infection and i'm on the ZPak and cough syrup with codiene.... fun fun)

I completely hate my job. I always wanted to be 1 of 2 things, a music teacher or a lawyer. I wanted to make a difference and help people. At least with teaching, which was always the main thing, I knew I'd feel some sort of love for my job. My music teachers always made a huge difference in my lives, especially in high school when I pretty much lived in the music hallway. I can't explain the feeling I got from playing in the symphonic band or puttering away at advanced musical theory. Law was just something that always puttered in the back of my mind, coming out for rainy days to play.

But I am instead working in corporate america as a contractor no less, so even less of a citizen in this business. I work as IT support meaning I fix people's computers that in no way appreciate us except for when we come through in a tight jam. Otherwise, we apparently dont' work hard enough, fast enough and when the company is in trouble also the first to get dumped on. I sit in a cubicle where my communication with the outside world is limited and 5 o clock doesn't come fast enough. I feel like I am wasting away.

The other issue is that I am so far away from family in a strange city. My mom and stepdad live in NC and my father for what its worth lives in Virginia. (although everyone started up here) My father is trucking now that he's retired from the navy and to be honest he hates it, and especially with the economy is not really treating him too well. My mother and stepfather both got laid off and are now moving back to florida. The only family I have is my cousin, which I would love to go visit, but life constraints stop that. I don't really have friends outside of my boyfriend which is partially because I just don't know how to meet people and am very shy.

I am starting to go to shul, slowly but surely, which helps. And I can't wait till its bright enough outside that I light shabbos candles when I get home.

My mother made a joke yesterday about moving to florida with them, which I am actually considering. Or at least moving to florida and have the ability to actually see them and visit. Then again, being that close, I may eventually want to come back up here, lol.

I think this is mostly the medication talking, though. But its very disconcerting.

will post more later....

finally went to erev shabbos services at Beth Zion Beth Israel....

thats all....

oh and to say boyfriend is dead man after tonight's stunt....

he did not go with me, but rather decided that he would go to the bar....

oh and did i mention he's still not here????

Its snowing! I for some reason really love snow and have always loved snow. Some of my happiest memories are snow ball fights and making forts from the snow the plows pushed up.

However, its still depressing. I want a real snow fall with significant amounts of snow piling up outside. I want a snow day where I can stay home without using a vacation day. It seems like this stinking neck of the woods (and delaware too) gets snow, and then it gets warm, and then it snows again, and then it gets warm turns to ice and someone falls while someone falls laughing.

Oh well. I'm working on making a blanket. It is really calming to my nerves right now.

Oh and I won money on a football block. not too bad, right?

now to get through this last hour.

I really want to start attending services. It was something that made me feel better, that I was able to practice my faith. And there is a synagogue in the city I'd like to try. And its just something that is altogether necessary for me.

However, with the guy I am seeing does not understand any of this. He considers himself Greek Orthodox, but only goes for weddings and funerals. He repeatedly tells me how he doesn't believe in G-d because of all the bad things that have happened to HIM. And then when he has a bad day, he'll tell me things like "See, this is why I don't believe in Him, cuz he f*cks everything up. How can you believe in that?" Just like he believes there is no good in humanity and everyone is against him and the only person worth saving is yourself, oh and that I should put him ahead of my family.... (WRONG!!!!)

But how do I try to explain to him, that this is something I need for me. I got him okay about it at one point but I'm not sure what happened. He acts if we don't spend every single moment together, its the end of the world. Now I have no aversion to bringing him with me at some point. But I would like to start going myself first, sans him.

My faith is something that is exceptionally important to me. And it's something thats grown since I got older. I'd love to go to Shabbos services. I really miss the synagogue I went to in Wilmington. The people there were wonderful and I really liked the Rabbi. I even knew some of the congregants by name that would either sit with me during services or would come up and say hello afterwards. Unfortunately, here I am in Philly where the commute to that Shul would be a little bit much.

Maybe once I start going, I'll definitely feel more at ease and be able to go up and ask the Rabbi some very important questions. Sageblessing tells me that the people there are very nice.

Maybe I can convince him about Friday, and that we'll eat after I get home... but of course, he'll make some snide remark about how he'll be at a bar or somewhere else he knows I don't want him to be....