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Hanukkah

Its getting to that time of the year again, and I need to find a slamming latke recipe to impress the pants off my boyfriend who's never had a latke before. In fact, he's kind of adopting a new set of holidays by taking me but he seems really cool about it. So I can't wait to light the Hannukiah Friday night with him and we're taking an extended weekend....

short update, but I'm hyper and need to leave work!

w00t w00t

bad day revisited

So I think yesterday was officially the day from hell. You know those days where it seems like nothing around you goes right? That was yesterday.

It starts in the morning where I've been extra tired no matter how much sleep I get. I think its another in a long line of funks. There might be some resonating depression issues, however mild they may be. But I know I'm tired a lot. And yesterday was no different. So I got up late ran around like crazy and somehow made it to work only a couple minutes late. Went through work until 2 where I was leaving to go to a job interview. Those are always the great stories.... I was *supposed* to go to this interview....

I left even earlier than 2, because Mac wanted me to check on his new kitten to make sure she was alright. There were people in his house because they were fixing the flooring in the bedroom and the cat went into hiding. So I get home first and my suit pants are missing. Yes literally missing. No idea where they went, not even in the dirty clothes, I checked! So I improvised and ran over to Mac's to check on the cat. The door was locked. Normally the door to his building is open during the day. But chances are, if the door to the building was locked the people working on his place locked his front door too. So I called to Oreo in the window, but apparently she was still in hiding.

I get on the highway, and the drive wasn't bad and I didn't get too lost. I did however get on Roosevelt Blvd and needed to make a left hand turn... Which is virtually impossible on Roosevelt Blvd. I turned onto this little street because there was a light and I figured maybe it would help me get across. So I turned onto this street and was about to turn (Uturn, into a parking lot, whatever) and the car behind me decided I was parking which was NOT allowed where we were (we were only 50 yds in!!) and went around me as I was making the turn. BACK of her vehicle went into the front left of mine and pretty much broke my wheel! LOVELY! And she was in the wrong for going around me. The insurance company even asked me this morning, was there enough room that she could go around me without going over the lines, and the answer was a resounding NO.

So my car gets towed to this body shop who then proceeds to tell me that due to previous damage, my car might be totalled. So as if I wasn't having a shitty enough of a time, I get the danger of LOSING my car now. Thankfully I have 2 wonderful friends who talked me down and calmed me down. And one actually went to pick me up at the crash site and the other came over later. It was just.... crazy. And i was really sad leaving her there, I've determined I'm naming my car after she comes home.

So anyways, my friend E drives me home and she runs in to use the bathroom and had just got in her car and we hear this awful screeching noise. There was a green van that was having problems. Well next thing you know, the car jumps the curb, mows down a handicapped parking sign and goes into the side of a brick house. Luckily I think the brick helped the car stop or else it would have been in their living room or even kitchen. It wasn't my house luckily, but daaaaaaamn. The whole neighbourhood was there in a second. and The owner of the green van (who was NOT driving the vehicle or was even in it) comes over and tells everyone to fuck off and mind their own fucking business. Some of the older men were cursing her under their breath as they walked away "we'll mind our own fucking business the next time she needs help." She came back but the van was gone.

So later Mac comes over and we watch tv and I'm going to leave out the details here until I fully understand what happened. We talked, ate dinner, and watched tv. Well anyways, he was parked on my pavement and he did it rather harshly too. I'm going to have to learn him up on parking on my pavement because I have a little ramp thing that goes from sidewalk to street and if he got his front left tire onto the ramp, he wouldn't have got the flat that he did. So yes at 10:30 when he has to get up at 6 in the morning he gets a flat tire. Drives it over to 4th and Oregon and has to leave it there till the morning and THEN walk home. He didn't get in till like 11:30, plus his phone died on the walk home.

I feel like I'm the bringer of doom. Although today I did get some good news. After talking to the other lady's insurance he said that he feels they were at majority if not full fault for the accident. So it sounds like they will be writing a check to my insurance company and even covering my deductible (THANK G_D) because I can't exactly afford my deductible. My car isn't going to be totalled and I get a rental car covered by insurance for over 2 weeks. Plus the shop where I took my car, rather where it was taken, is actually giving me a discount on my deductible anyways if I do have to pay out of pocket. So its not terrible, but my insurance is surely going to go up. And that really sucks. Plus the guy said he was going to try to buff out this horrible red line on the side of my vehicle.

I still think I'm the bringer of doom. Only think is I'm anticipating the neck to get sore and the back to get worse before it gets better. Everyone keeps telling me I should have gotten checked out but if the pain and whatnots going to show up a couple days later then getting checked out does me no good. Oh well....

yargh. now I just want to go back to bed.

Aug. 19th, 2009

Okay. So my company got bought over and the company who bought us sucks. They took away our facebook access and for that there should a steep penalty brought upon them.

that is all.

oh, and they will not win.

yar

So my friend and I have been getting really close. We talk all the time.... literally ALL the time. Whether it be him calling me on his break or me calling him before bed. Literally today we spent a goooood number of hours on the phone. And we have this interesting relationship. It all started with a breakup too. He started as my ex's friend. Not best friend, but friend. They were friends a good number of years... a large number of years actually. But when the break up happened and knowing how it happened and before the breakup we started becoming friends behind the ex's back. That was only because any contact with another person, especially of the male variety (which by the way is about 90% of my friends) would upset him completely. And actually everytime me and this ex had a fight he was there somewhere making sure I was alright and not getting hurt, etc, etc. Yeah the ex was a REAL dick.

So in a way he joined the dark side, I guess, as my friend. And we go out EVERY weekend. We talk like I said constantly. Actually the day the breakup was official (and it was lingering) he took me out and I had probably one of my best nights in a long long time. Best nights since I moved to philly. And I mean, we even go to the karaoke events and everything. And he looks out for me and takes care of me. Sometimes, I yell at him to relax. And if someone does me wrong, he's a shoulder to cry on. Literally, this last Friday a high school friend of mine had a date with me and due to circumstances couldn't contact me and I literally thought I was stood up. Of course this is the night that Erika and me dropped off his baby, Oreo -- a beautiful tuxedo kitten. And he hugged me and took me out. When i was almost in tears, his only words were "come here" but actions speak louder than words. And he made sure i wasn't crying, because up until then I was about to break out in tears.

So what causes me to write this? I've known that he had a thing a for me, its just something you can tell. And everyone kept telling me how cute we were together and I keep fighting everyone off. WE'RE NOT DATING! Literally, one of our friends will constantly call me his girlfriend IN FRONT OF HIM and he just does it to get me riled up anyways.... But! Well Friday night, he took me out even though he had work the next day. And he made work. Meanwhile I made up with Shane, the little jackass that he is. He called me frantically he couldn't find his cat. I had just woken up from a nap so I wasn't *exactly* speaking english. I literally jumped into my car and rushed over as fast as I could to find the cat IN, note LITERALLY IN, the couch while the couch was turned upside down. Not really a part of our story but kind of. Once we got the cat out, and the couches back to normal I laid on his couch and started to doze off. His big thing is making sure I feel comfortable in his house. Kept offering me a pillow which I kept declining. Again with the taking care of me... oy!

So we went to this party at his club that night. I got my first tattoo, which I love. Its a treble clef with green vines on my back shoulder. I understand the jewish point of view on non tattoos, but this was actually personal for me because music is everything to me. Its life! But meanwhile, we were all drinking (and no I didn't get the tattoo drunk and I had planned for it anyways) and having a good time. Apparently his brother of whom I also know told him "look she's your date watch out for XXX" who is also a good friend of ours. He told me about it, why I don't know. I guess we're trying to affirm what we are to each other. Mac offered his apartment for me to sleep in, innocently. Trust me, if you knew him you'd know. So I left the party at 3:30 AM and walked over to his place and got the kitten out from INSIDE the couch again and fell asleep. Woke up to the door bell which freaked me out because I had no idea what it was, I was sleeping.

He comes in and i move my legs so he can sit with me. We ended up cuddling which was fantastic. And he kept kissing my head every now and then. And then at one point he kissed my cheek and then kissed closer and closer to mouth obviously going for the kill. Meanwhile, when I went in I was sleeping in one of his tshirts because I wasn't exactly planning to spend the night there. But he went to kiss me and I almost kissed him back. And then I realized that maybe this isn't the best idea in the world. And then we laid there till I kicked him off his couch to get the blow up mattress (which is another story). In the morning we talked, not about the kiss or the events of the night. He went out to get us gatorades and he got me a bagel. I didn't ask for the bagel, but he said I'm getting you a bagel and I said ok. I love bagels. They're yummy. Well my two favourite breakfast items are bagels and then oatmeal. the hangover breakfast is bagel,cream cheese and fried egg. sounds gross, but is actually quite tasty.... anyways

At one point I'm laying on the couch falling back asleep he goes to get a shower. He gets dressed and all (yes very exciting I know) and actually I'm nodding off as he sneezes. He comes out from around the corner and as tired as i was, only getting like 3 hours sleep, I kept fighting that I have to get up and leave and run errands and he says just take a nap! and actually pulls the covers over me. And he leaves and thats where the story ends. Oh and he gives me the shirt I was sleeping in! Which I've slept in everynight since.

I look back and the fear I have is about hurting him and ruining what we have. AND THE BEST PART, he doesn't remember trying to kiss me and I didn't exactly bring up that I turned away. And its stupid. I know I'm right about not ruining what I have with him, because its perfect. Its actually 100% perfect (without his snoring, so 95% perfect). Its like we're a couple without the complications sometimes. And the real thing is that he's older. That's the snag honestly. If he were younger, it'd be another story. If he were younger maybe he wouldn't be as sweet. My friend Erika met him and instantly fell in love with him, and keeps telling me to put the age factor aside. And just go for it. But like everything in life its more than just go for it. Its.... if I lost him, I don't know what'd I do.

And this real thing is how do I forget the almost - kiss. It wasn't terrible until I came to my senses, lol. I wasn't drunk, wish I could say the same for Mac. ugh. Just needed to get this out. I know i'm making something out of nothing , but I can't forget it because its him. Ugh. I'll try and forget but its not working out too well for me at the moment.

Time for sleep
okay so anyone who knows facebook.... I am having an issue where whenever I sign on it says:

Account Unavailable
Your account is temporarily unavailable due to site maintenance. It should be available again within a few hours. We apologize for the inconvenience

But all my coworkers are on around me and I haven't been able to go on since last night...

I don't know what to do, but its driving me crazy and the FB help center is just.... a pain in the ass. And its not just this machine, because I tried last night on my home laptop, here on my work laptop, then on my friends laptop who is active on there TODAY.... and nothing. nothing at all. This is really frustrating....

anyone who can help.... please!

Jul. 30th, 2009

Okay. I'm posting to avoid packing for the moment. I am going to dad's for about a week which is awesome. But I just dropped my cat off at my friend's house and its just a little lonely. Actually my apartment hasn't felt this lonely in a long time. Its a really strange feeling. Its only a week I'm going to be without her, but wow. Knowing she's not here is just wow....

It'll be great to get away for awhile. Since breaking up with my ex its felt weird living here. Not here as in my apartment. My apartment was always mine! It feels really weird living in philly. So I made a decision I'm going to try to find a house share in Delaware and since I'm losing my job try to find work there. I did my stint in philly, and its not a bad place. I'm just home sick. Its bad enough I don't have any family in the area, it would be nice to live somewhere I have the chance to run into someone I know. I do that once in a while in philly where I work. Not where I live!

And then there's also I went out with a friend of mine from high school. I mean, I'm shy around people and I thought that he and me would be different people. But hanging out with him just made me realize a lot of what I'm missing as well. I was happy.... the happiest I've been in a long time. And the weirdest was that I never felt uncomfortable around him. In fact, I spent the night and he was the first person I was able to sleep around since Jason! I mean yes we drank so falling asleep at first was easy. But then I woke up and I always have problems going back to sleep. He put his arm around me and I went straight back to sleep, I was just so happy. Hell he asked me to stay around while he was at work and like an idiot I jumped and said OOOOH i have a car appointment (which I did). I would have loved to to be honest.

And we decided we'd do it again. Which is awesome to be honest. I even have an excuse, which is to "pick up my pillow" since I accidentally left it there. Its not really an excuse we had already decided that we'd do it again. But now I'm back to my self conscious self and reading into everything more than I need to. Was it a date? is he going to date other people now.... i mean I'm not his girlfriend so it doesn't make a difference. I don't want to be a one night stand because to be honest it would break my heart because of all the people I wouldn't think that he's the one who would do that. but you can't trust everyone so here I am.... I think I'll see him next week. And the funny part is I'm so lame about going out during the week.... now I actually want to... just can't stay out till 4.

So there we go.... i guess i need to get back to packing.... shit. not looking forward to this.

Oh and facebook is completely fucking up for me too.... pissing me the fuck off....

Note to self:

Note to self:

Do not fall for someone after an amazing night.... Do not! Do not build up the hope that he'll call! Do not! Even after you mention that you'd hang out again! Do not! Do not let past feelings for him cloud your judgement of today! Do not! and most of all.... STOP OVERTHINKING! and one more thing.... stop listening to Carole King!!!!

Okay done yelling at myself... doesn't feel like it did any good...

Anyone want the details send me a message....

eh...

Things aren't getting any worse which is a plus. Well they aren't getting worse until the next time I run into my ex. I mean just seeing him, I just got extremely upset and panicky and it wasn't a good feeling at all. Plus his friend was walking me home, and he jumps to conclusions. I don't want him to think I broke up with him for this guy. He's like a big brother (explained below)! I know where he was coming from and I'm sure he knows where I was coming from. And neither matters really. I know I did what I had to do and for that reason I can't regret it. But I miss him like crazy. And again don't get the idea that I want to go running back into those controlling, jealous, drunk arms! I just miss the presence around the house, if that makes sense. I'll see something that reminds me of him and I'll be upset for a couple minutes and then go back to normal. I mean I was with him for almost a year.

Work is alright. I have a job until December. I almost had an awesome interview at a law firm that could have become something else, but they only wanted to interview persons 1 and 2, and I was person 3. And then to make things just wonderful our pain in the ass boss that I didn't like was kind of told to leave quietly in the next few weeks... We all know why.... But her replacement is worse than her. To make matters worse, I work in a call center environment, and the leader here who has a high enough level, that we all like and get along with, was stepped over in name of someone else. And that someone else is a tattle tale and a snitch and its just not good. Not good at all.

I'm a little strapped for cash right now, but I have to remind myself to stop stress shopping (and I don't even do that all too much, I got a couple guitar tab books). I'm dealing with being fresh meat at a bar and not really caring too much for it. In fact Saturday i was so depressed I was just drinking and drinking, I was trashed. And then Sunday night I ended up in my normal bar with normal friends and people I recognize so it was a little bit better.

I have a friend I have to keep telling is just a friend, to the point I've labelled him a big brother so that he doesn't get any ideas about incest. EWWW. Plus there's a friend of his that I like and have liked for a while now. I'm not going to do anything stupid although something stupid almost happened once, but just once. I'll tell you that it was a damn fine kiss though. I want to make sure I'm completely over my ex before I start to make those kind of mistakes. And with this friend, I don't even know.

There's a base attraction between us and there's definitely a little passion. And there's a strong friendship. And at least this guy is 10 years older, he doesn't live in Philly, he's in NJ in a GORGEOUS top floor condo. Holy shit his house is just beautiful. I don't actually think anything else will happen between us, and if it does it'll be long down the road. Although the night I actually broke up with Robbie he volunteered himself to come over except I fell asleep on the couch!

So as I understand life looks up. I might start going back to services this weekend, providing I can muster up some tokens to get up there. And we'll see what this weekend will bring and if I run into Robbie again. And we'll see if everything works out or if I'm horribly depressed again this Monday!

This is Mork signing out! Nanu nanu!

confused.....

I've got so many things running through my head that I am just confused.

One minute I miss Robbie, the next I hate him. One minute I don't care about this guy friend and then the next I obsess over what he thinks of me.... I'm lonely, still trying to get into that rhythm. I need to disappear but to where.... i dunno. and then I have one friend who harps about me, but i keep letting him know.... JUST FRIENDS....

I can't even explain all of the feelings right now. I just want to get away and hide and start over. But I don't want to move, unless its to NYC or europe and frankly europe sounds better every day....

i hope something starts making sense soon.... I don't feel myself, I feel emotional -- erratic. I know its going to take time to get back to a normal rhythm..... but what is the normal rhythm? i am unfortunately one of those people that don't do well alone. But I'm going stay alone this time. My brain and my heart are fighting each other....
Well it's officially over and I'm back on the single train. Went out with friends friday night and sunday night to celebrate. It was good times. I haven't had that much fun in a while. Oh I remembered that I love to go dancing and all that shtuff.

I'm still having issues with the ex, but at least thats all he is now.

He made some remarks, that really cut to the bone and then asked me to not to let anyone in my apartment. Because apparently letting people in my apartment means I'm going to screw them!! I do not think that is the case! But he mentioned that he's going to be upstairs with Johnny a lot (Johnny lives a floor above me) and that he doesn't want to see me. And that I shouldn't talk to him and blah blah blah. A whole bunch of BS.

I have paranoia now about my friends walking me home from the local bars, because he said something stupid about something. I wasn't really listening at that point.

I feel bad because it seems that his childhood friend defected to my side and has no remorse over it. But if Robbie is going to act like a child, let him. He doesn't want any of his people associating with me. Luckily one of my friends Mike who I MET through robbie was never friends with robbie. So he's allowed to called me (well Robbie of course didn't say that, but thats what we're saying.... as if we're really listening to him anyways).

I just feel like I'm complicating some things for some people. But whatever.... I'm happy, and thats what matters, right? I'm not looking for a relationship, I'm not looking for sex either. At this point, what happens happens and its ALLOWED to happen.

so Free at last, free at last!